I thought it would be a while before I posted my next ‘Conversations with Mr Lemonade’ but let’s just say he’s been on fire recently! Here are a few of our more memorable conversations…
Mr Lemonade: What’s that bird that brings the baby? The pelican, that’s it!
Me: Pelican? I think you mean stork!
Mr Lemonade: Do I?
Mr Lemonade: Are you sure it’s not a pelican? Does it not carry the baby in that pouch thing under its beak?
Me: I got one of those weekly pregnancy emails today. It said ‘your baby is the size of an avocado’, but then further down it referred to ‘your gerbil-sized foetus’. Now every time I think of the baby I imagine a little rodent-like thing. I even dreamt I gave birth to one.
Mr Lemonade: If you give birth to a rodent, there’s something seriously wrong with my sperm. Either that or there’s a gerbil somewhere around here that I need to beat up for sleeping with my wife!
Mr Lemonade: Your boobs have gotten really big. I feel like your body is giving me a thank you present for getting it pregnant.
Mr Lemonade: I’ve got a really bad pain in my side. I think it’s my uterus hurting.
Me: Men don’t have a uterus!
Mr Lemonade: Really? Well you don’t have testicles. And don’t pretend you’re not jealous of that fact.
Me: You think I’m jealous of not having testicles?
Mr Lemonade: I know you are. All women are.
Me: And why do you think that?
Mr Lemonade: Because unlike us, you’ve got nothing to play with when you’re bored.
While I was having a nice relaxing bath…
Mr Lemonade: Is it alright if I have a poo in here or would you prefer I use the downstairs toilet?
Me: What do you think?!
Mr Lemonade: Bob* has just got himself a penis extension.
Me: What!?!?! Are you serious? Why?
Mr Lemonade: I don’t know, mid-life crisis maybe, or perhaps he’s trying to impress a woman.
Me: Oh. my. god.
Mr Lemonade: It’s cost him an absolute fortune.
Me: I bet. Where did he get it? Abroad?
Mr Lemonade: No, somewhere in the town I think…
Me: Wow, I didn’t even know they did stuff like that over here. I bet it must have been painful too.
Mr Lemonade: You do know what I mean when I say he got a penis extension, don’t you?
Me: Well, I’ve never really thought about it in great detail, but I assume it involves an operation of some sort.
Mr Lemonade: No, when I said he’d got a penis extension, I meant he’s bought a sports car!!
*name changed to protect the innocent!